Calais2Casablanca

[ 2008-04-21 ]

The 2008 objective was simple: smaller group, longer miles, tougher drive. With a schedule change came a shorter signup run and a purposefully smaller number of teams than we usually inflict on Europe. This made us able to accomplish more of what we wanted: keep a smaller group unified and engaged over a longer, far more challenging distance. Given the success of the 2008 modifications, Calais2Casablanca is now limited to 50 teams.

Calais2Casablanca became StreetSafari's longest event at 5 days, but after the first year an extra day was added. The 2007 season's driving was long and arduous. If the 2008 teams thought it would be any easier, they were seriously mistaken.

The event started in fine fettle, but with rubbish weather. Unfortunately, we forgot to book the weather and the start line at Calais had more to do with the StreetSafari team dying in the cold as the teams kept warm in their vehicles. Apparently they all had working heaters.

As usual, there is always a team who break down even before getting to Calais and start the event in a rented hire car. C2C2008 was no different. Their hire car would not, as it turns out, be the last.

Day 1 - Calais to Millau

The first day, as with most StreetSafari events, is the burning in day, the day where teams cover a huge distance to get closer to the fun roads. The day was 580 miles strong and most teams made it.

The only straggler was Flukes of Hazzard, struggling heroically for charity. Their gloriously orange Ford Granada had issues climbing hills and failed (for the first time, but not the last) 80 miles from the end of Day 1. A helpful French mechanic told them what the fault was and sent them on their way to Millau where they caught up with the rest of the group that evening.

Millau is an unexpected jewel in the French countryside, and so much for the better now that the Millau Viaduct keeps the traffic out of the tightly built town.

Day 2 - Millau to Andorra

Day 2 started with a quick group photo shot, and then a blast over the bridge. This year, we were certain that the authorities had changed the sides of the bridge so you can actually see out across the countryside. Probably keeps people from stopping illegally on the bridge, which had long since been a major problem for the bridge.

We took a few pictures on the other side of the bridge for the teams, and let them create "car"nage across the Pyrenees for the day. The Midi Pyrenees are completely understated, overlooked but having a charm of their own. They also have some decent driving roads, as we were only too happy to reveal.

From Carcassonne, teams cross a rising plain made up of low hills, before reaching the Pyrenees properly. A few teams had by this time found the StreetSafari van parked up in a vineyard taking it easy. Seriously easy, as we were asleep. But, having been surrounded by a few brightly painted team cars with loud horns, we shrugged off the previous evening's lack of sleep, wiped bloodshot eyes, and threw down the gauntlet.

“You are welcome to follow me, if you can keep up” proved to be a comment taken far too lightly by these unsuspecting teams. It is worth remembering that a madman in a Doblo van should always be taken seriously. Especially if he organises motoring events.

We took off at pace and soon found a mountain to climb. If the trailing teams were doing the day's challenge, they suddenly found "Match-the-Picture" replaced with “Keep Up with the Organiser”. After about 90 minutes and 3 stops to allow the slower members to catch up, we reached the top of one pass, only to find the Calais2Casablanca Pikey Car Park at the top.

The Flukes of Hazzard were having a bad time on the hills, or at least the Granada was; the team were in superb spirits. This despite the fact that the dripping from the gearbox had become a flow, which led a helpful line up the pass. It was a bit like following breadcrumbs, except in this case following a clapped out Ford Granada liveried as the Dukes of Hazzard. The days of this Ford were numbered. Automatic gearboxes failing on hills is never a pretty sight.

We wished the team well before tearing off down the other side of the pass with our ragtag convoy in hot pursuit. Well, two of them were in hot pursuit, whilst the third were contemplating their own gearbox problems.

The evening was in Andorra la Vella, and all the teams made it in good time. Apart from the Flukes of Hazzard. Of course. They were busy meeting all sorts of officials as their Granada toured Andorra looking for a place to die. Apparently, you aren't meant to tow another car in Andorra, not that it stopped the Granada being towed by another team in front of a policeman busy telling off a team member for towing a car in Andorra.

So when confronted with this problem, the tried and true method seems to be that you simply ensure the vehicle continues being towed when the police officer's back is turned. It saves a recovery charge, plus it makes a member of your team look like a bit of an idiot as the police officer tries to work out where the car went. It also does wonders for the aerobic abilities of said team member when he's legging it from the police. Three words: Fair Trials Abroad.

Another team didn't make it through Day 2 either, Mighty Badgers with the mint Proton in Starsky and Hutch colours. The suspension broke after some suspicious hand brake turns earlier that morning. Whether they got a refund off the car dealer who sold them the car we don't know, but he was in the back seat when the wheel fell off. Oh yes, buying a crappy car off a car dealer is only bad when it's one of your team members. The words 'poetic justice' spring to mind.

Mighty Badgers were now confined to a rental car. Rental Number 2 of C2C2008.

Day 3 - Andorra to Alicante

Day 3 was another link day a bit like Day 1 with nothing much to see other than getting a few miles done to the next fun place which was Alicante. The Flukes of Hazzard's Granada was officially dead, so they made it by bus to Barcelona and continued in a rental car. Rental Number 3 of C2C2008.

Crouching Monkey Hidden Sausage by now had been discovered taking the event far too seriously with the words “we're here to win, not to socialise” which makes an excellent ground breaker when meeting new people. They collected the challenge that morning, reversed their Merc through a metal bollard, and continued on their quest to win and not socialise. Maybe they knew something, as it was only a few moments later that the local constabulary showed up to see what all the brightly painted traffic snarl was about. A cheerful smile and "Just leaving!" seemed to clear the matter up and keep everyone happy.

The evening in Alicante was a quiet one. One where you either went on the town and partied, or took it easy because of partying too hard the previous night. Let's just say that a member of 614 HSO was looking worse for wear that evening.

Team Sexual Chocolate found a small problem with the challenge that day. One part of the challenge was to get a photo with a cop. Simple enough for most overly enthusiastic lads in a colourfully conspicuous car, one would think. Team Sexual Chocolate took this a whole stage further and managed to get arrested and detained for 90 minutes in pursuit of the picture! Did they get the picture? Nope. How insulting is that? Good effort though, guys! Especially in trying to get copies of the arrest forms applied toward partial credit. At least the policeman finally saw the light and released our fellows so that he could devote his time to fighting true crime... the search for his stolen sense of humour, perhaps.

The following morning started with a few deflated tyres in the hotel car park. Marvelous. The wit of some teams to "have a few" and start letting down tyres during the night is truly magnificent and right up there as an act on UK Greatest Talent. Anyway, after a few laughs about that in the morning – not like we had anywhere to be of course, unless you count Malaga -- we got over that and under way. Happily, it was the first and last act of misplaced mischief during the week.

Day 4 - Alicante to Malaga

Day 4 was another big driving day that included the A348 across the Sierra Nevada, a mountain range often overlooked because of a desire to get the hell out of Spain as quickly as possible. Dunno how the Spanish bred a driver like Alonso considering they all drive like girls. But they don't half put some fun roads in.

The A348 is where we lost part of the rally. And the road. Because Spain is (finally) building a new road through the mountains, the A348 is currently a mixture of very old cart track, modern smooth surfaces, and a bit of off-roading that takes you over an original bridge where the new ones aren't yet connected to the road, and a bit of mud plugging through towns where they decided to forgo an actual road surface at all.

Team Feckarse Industries BMW 3 Series failed on the A348 and ended their chances for completion. The lesson learned was that fuel pump problems don't get better.

Team Gay Boys, renamed with black spray paint by their companion team at the start of the rally, wrote their car off in a ditch. It was probably for the best, as getting into, much les through, a 99.9% Muslim county in a car with Gay Boys spray painted aross it probably wasn't the smartest idea, and was starting to make book among the teams as to how many parts the car (not to mention the team) would be torn into by the loiterers at the border.

The Volvo 340 driven by Team No Win No Fee No Chance found the barrier in the wet. This was the same corner of the road that the StreetSafari van had only managed to miss earlier in the day. We figure it must have been diesel on the road, as it surely – surely – couldn't have been crap driving. (... whistle whistle...) There had been rumoured reports that another car hit a similar barrier but they weren't man enough to confess the indiscretion, but apparently carried on as though nothing had happened.

Team Feckarse Industries were now in a rental car. Rental Number 4 in C2C2008. At this point, 1 in 6 cars on the rally were rentals. HireCars2Casablanca. Feckarse didn't continue on to Morocco as they needed to rescue the hapless BMW from the A348. They were totally let down as we know how much they were looking forward to completing this event. However, it is a banger rally, and you aren't meant to finish. In all probability.

A night in Malaga helped put things in perspective and 614 HSO were back to drinking speed. The final – unintentional - challenge of the day was not to miss the hotel exit on the motorway, and if you did, try and find the hotel. The StreetSafari organisers put in a respectable time of about 40 minutes after missing the exit, but Kings Head Katastrophy put in an award winning 2-plus hours finding the hotel after missing the exit. Well done, lads!

Day 5 - Malaga to Tangier

Day 5 of Calais2Casablanca is all about getting into Morocco.

The day started well with the organisers getting a call from a team trying to buy ferry tickets at one of the outlying sales offices along the Autovia. Seems the team was told that ferries were cancelled due to high winds. At that point there was nothing to do but carry on until the second call came. A second team in a second attempt had been one-upped at another outlet: no crossings for the next two days. "Oh, well," came the only real option anyway, "let's get down to the port to see what is really going on."

The lady at the port gave us the same look we imagine our teams gave the outlying sales people. If the port was closed, nobody had bothered to tell her. Or the ships loading and unloading out back. She was only too glad to sell us – and the queue of teams forming behind us – tickets on their next boat out. The seas might have indeed been rough, but it was probably more economical to simply provide sick bags than close the port, which was nice of them.

From this point it was a quick run out to Ceuta and job done. Until the border crossing, that is.

Whoever coined the phrase "Time is money" obviously did so standing in Ceuta, having succumbed to the lure of the ever-persistent "guides" that offer to help the unknowing foreigner wade through the labyrinth of indecipherable bureaucracy that is the Moroccan border crossing. Although the StreetSafari van got to "the pen" a good 30 minutes after the main contingent of rally teams, it cut through the din and got through in under 10 minutes by paying £25 in bribes. Several of the budget minded teams took gainful use of the Arabic speaking chap from Kings Head Katastrophy. (That must have taken the guides by surprise to encounter a native speaker among this painfully European group.) They managed to pay zero in bribes to escape the quagmire, but took 30 or so minutes doing it.

A wave to those still doing the shakedown dance at the border, and the StreetSafari van was off. The next leg of the trip to Tangier was supposed to be quick, uneventful and a simple drive along the coast road. In true banger rally style, however, the road suddenly detoured on and off a new section of motorway, back onto the narrow lanes of the older road, and then an optional (read: unintentional) offroad section in a town that appears on no map whatsoever. Pot holes the size of small Land Rovers, crossroad signs with names of more mapless towns, flashbacks to the movie Deliverance -- nothing deterred the teams from following. In retrospect, it might have been that they had few options. Ultimately, for fear of damaging the vehicle, the van gave up and found the motorway again. The teams following had their first taste of the wilds of Africa, and were still within mere miles of the Straits of Gibraltar!

Their quest for crappy roads would continue the following day.

The night ended in Tangier in good spirits. Tangier, after all, is quite a magnificent city. The air of seedy charm is a wonderful introduction to Morocco as a whole. The clash of European and near-oriental is gentle in Tangier, lulling the unaware into a false sense of comfort and amazement. It's a bit like going down the rabbit hole and coming out in 1969, surrounded by people in bedclothes, speaking a strange derivative of what would otherwise be considered French. It's a bit of a magical place.

Day 6 - Tangier to Casablanca

The Winners

The winners of Calais2Casablanca 2008 were Crouching Monkey Hidden Sausage, who lived up to their motto, "we're here to win, not socialise", and after winning did in fact start socialising, as well as discussing which event they would do next.

Dear Oh Dear placed Second with their dreadful red coloured Mondeo in Starsky and Hutch theme, complete with paperbacks and other S&H memorabilia. If there was ever a Best Use of eBay Award, chaps, you'd have it.

Team Sexual Chocolate came away with a well deserved Third to go along with their Spanish jailbreak anecdote, not to be confused with Stanfree Stonker's Spanish fencebreak-to-avoid-a-motorway-toll anecdote, but that is certainly a whole other story!

614 HSO got the vote for the Biggest Pile of Rubbish on the event and should probably have gotten a prize for the most nerve, having crossed the Moroccan border with "God is Our CoPilot" and priest costumes decorating their Golf.

The Bottom Line

Even though awards were only given to the first three scoring places, everyone who finished was a winner and they know it. The event was such a good laugh. Calais2Casablanca is, without a doubt, the most demanding, time consuming, and organisationally stressful of all current StreetSafari events and if ever an event was to be considered for suspension or a biennial run, Calais2Casablanca was it.

After C2C2008 however, this was such a good event that Calais2Casablanca 2009 will definitely take place. It may return to its original June, but the field is limited to 50 teams.

To the teams who took part in this year's C2C, you were awesome. It was a delight to have such a good set of teams on such a difficult event. There are some events on some years that really set the pace. The C2C2008 teams definitely set the pace and we can hardly wait to see what the rest of 2008 brings!

Thanks so much for being a part of it.